The difficulty I seem to be having in life recently is rooted in my questioning of life itself. Now that I have decided that I do indeed want to live and make the most of this life, I am overcome with indecisiveness and confusion of exactly what this life of mine can look like. I am aware that meticulous planning is a waste of time, rather, trying to plan is fruitless as life has its ways of meandering, tossing and flinging you in the opposite direction. What I do want, though, is more of an idea of what I want. Something to strive towards, a goal, a coping mechanism to keep going in the idea that more is on the horizon.
What do I want? This is more difficult for me to answer than one can imagine. It’s something I’ve been trying to answer for the majority of my conscious existence. I seem to fall upon the answer at times, only to revert for a myriad of reasons. For example, I say: I want to be an actor. Then a stream of consciousness begins to question the want. Do I want to be an actor to be accepted? For egotistical reasons?
It’s strange, as I write this I realise I’m searching for authenticity above everything else. A pureness. And in that pursuit, I am paralysed. It’s not productive, not just physically, it’s not productive mentally or spiritually either. Because this search for authenticity/purity may be coming from a “good” place, but I’m going about it the wrong way. Isn’t authenticity relative? Does it even exist?
To be paralysed by the search for pureness in this world is a symptom of my sensitive nature. This is something I must accept, and eventually move on from. Have you ever known something deep within your heart, but found it hard to move on from anyways?
Back to it. What do I want to spend my life doing? Well, a number of things.
I want to keep learning about things that interest me. Namely photography, sculptures, abstract art, surreal art, artists, art therapy, space exploration, human psychology, poetry and prose, classic literature, cinematography, performance art. I would continue but I have to move on.
I want to give back to others, and to those in need. In particular, I am interested in migration, perhaps because of my experiences as an immigrant myself. I am privileged and have been lucky to have had a safe passage to the country and to have little physical barriers to education, housing, clothes, food & water. I want to help those who haven’t been so lucky.
Perhaps it is fear and anxiety holding me back the most. I know I’m trying to plan, make a timeline of sorts, of my career by looking at other examples of famous and loved people. How toxic is this!? As well as playing the comparison game, which will ultimately get me nowhere but deeper into my insecurities, I am planning as a way to control the anxieties that surround this difficult decision. I know that. Yet I can’t stop.
I’m posting this publicly so that it may help a lost soul, like me, on their journey. We’ve been taught to pretend, and perform for the gram but I’m tired of the daily performance. I am lost, I don’t know where I’m going, and I cry every night thinking about just how lost and alone I am. And that’s ok, that’s part of the human experience.
Perhaps, in time, I will reach some kind of answer. But it won’t be tonight.
